Sometimes I hate my brain OR the play I refuse to write

WOW WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA FOR A NEW CANADIAN PLAY! THANKS BRAIN!!!
It starts with an old man revising his will to leave everything to his dog, instead of his family who never get along and never pay attention to him, but then he quite suddenly dies. Onstage. Alone. That'll be the our little secret audience. BUCKLE UP!!! WINK! WINK! BLINK! One by one the family members arrive at Pop-pop's home to celebrate his birthday. Don't worry none of them notice he's dead, because apparently old people are props and it's probably symbolic of youths selfish whatever whatever blah blah blah stab myself with my university degree-
The overbearing matriarch of the family arrives first, to bake the birthday cake, while her sniveling entitled child just want to play the videogamez on the youtubez - yes you read that correctly: videogamez ON the youtubez. Solid insights into youth culture there brain!!
This will be a great foil to the no nonsense "Kid's today are so spoiled; back in my day we went to the job factory and had babies with ladies who couldn't vote" character who arrives next. The capital "M" MAN of this family unit! He's a man. Not like everyone else who isn't a man! Like those NOT-MEN in this world of sissy blah blah blah - there are, no joke, actual human beings who talk/think/act like this misstep of human evolution and now I'm just oozing them onto a page so they no longer clog my brain-
BUT WATCH OUT! He's in trouble, because Miss woke from university arrives. Fresh off of her crusade to - insert a fox news anchors' stereotype of an entitled snowflake youth today fighting for equal rights or warring against the Christmas or whatever because we HAVE TO APPEAL TO EVERYONE RIGHT! GOD FORBID I write something DIVISIVE BECAUSE I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO LOVE M-
*deep* Calming* Breaths*
-ahem-
so these characters don't get along.
No one is paying attention to Grandpa, but everyone is making statements like they're his favorite - but the audience knows that none of them are the favorite. Also he's dead WINKEDY WINK! Time for grace!
Ugh I'm agnostic!
That's why you're ruining this world!
YOU ruined the world!
Dinner table climate change debate - did I say debate, I meant screaming fit!!
You owe us an apology!
Cheque's in the mail kid!Rabble rabble rabble everyone talks over everyone else.
Everyone takes a simultaneous breath.
Everyone continues to rabble!
STOP! Something's wrong with grandpa ... and the cake is burning!
Grandpa's dead! And the burning cake is burning down the house!
Pop pop's dog delivers a monologue.
No one understands it, because he's a dog.
He only speaks dog.
Much depth. Very symbolism. I vomit into my brain.

This was what my brain thought of in the first 20 minutes of a writing competition whose prompts were:
A secret only the audience knows
A burnt birthday cake
An opinion about the climate
A cheque in the mail
I hate that my brain thought of something so contrived, gutless, and stupid. My eyes rolled up into my skull several times while typing this out.
I have lost my contact lenses.
G'NIGHT!