A commercial I'd love to audition for OR Look forward to my kickstarter!

INT DAY.
A living room on a sound stage. Neatly dressed, and nothing really wrong with it, but clearly a living room for an infomercial.
NARRATOR: Has this ever happened to you?
NOT-A-REAL-PERSON, an early 30 something, enters a living room. Then painfully stubs their toe on a coffee table.

NOT-A-REAL-PERSON: (Containing their howls of pain) Shhhhhhooooooo-hooo ... boy ...

With their outrage at the injustice this universe continues to bring, successfully contained, NOT-A-REAL-PERSON takes two steps,
then promptly explodes. It is sudden and violent. Only shoes and scorched carpet remains of the human who stood there but a moment ago.

NARRATOR: Sounds like someone should have screamed into the void!

INSERT still image of a Black hole sucking up light, matter and hope.

NARRATOR: What's that? The dark recesses of space not part of your daily commute? Well I guess you're plumb out of luck, aren't you?

CUT back to living room with smoldering remains. Small fires have appeared.

NARRATOR: Haha! Just kidding! We've got you covered.

NOT-A-REAL-PERSON is magically returned from their untimely death and all previous destruction is wiped clean as though nothing happened.
But NOT-A-REAL-PERSON has seen beyond the pale; their eyes are set in a permanent cold yet distant stare.

NARRATOR: Introducing the blow hard!

A bizarre blowhorn with a jug in the end transports itself into NOT-A-REAL-PERSON'S hands. This does not shock them though. Nothing can shock them anymore...

NARRATOR: Whether from a stubbed toe, a long day at the office factory, or your favorite show not getting renewed: simply let the rage out into the Blowhard!

NOT-A-REAL-PERSON wails into the device.

NARRATOR: Oops, don't forget that mute button.

NOT-A-REAL-PERSON'S screams are suddenly voiceless. We no longer hear their howls of terror from witnessing that which await us all after death - an impossible city of shadows filled with nightmares and pain.

NARRATOR: Continue screaming until the bottle is full or your give way to exhaustion, whichever comes first.

NOT-A-REAL-PERSON continues for an uncomfortable amount of time.

NARRATOR: Look at 'em go!

NOT-A-REAL-PERSON is not stopping. They have yet to blink, let alone take a breath. Is this even possible? NOT-A-REAL-PERSON collapses.

NARRATOR: You tell em! After you're finished venting all your frustration, simply remove the Blow Jar from the Blow Hard.
Then, carefully, throw it away.
It's now someone else's problem.

Slow zoom into the wide open eyes of the unresponsive NOT-A-REAL-PERSON.

NARRATOR: Please consult a doctor before putting your lips on anything, side effects may include: laryngitis, a collapsed lung, blood shot eye, less passionate lovemaking, and ringing in ears. Jars are not made from recycled material, throwing them out is adding to the carbon footprint, we did this deliberately because we hate the world and everyone in it so guess who we voted for in the last provincial election hahaha jay kay but seriously though follow us on instagram @scottdontgotthegram. By hearing or seeing any or all of this ad you owe us a kiss. C'thulu 2023.