Day 192

The day of:
Well, I was going to be opening this bottle of rum one way of another so . . . it's a wake then.
I will start by taking solace in the fact that democracy means the other guy gets to win from time to time.
So, democracy lives . . . there's that.
I also have faith that this system in place is too strong to be completely destroyed by one reckless man.
If it proves to be so fragile, I'll bring the duct tape along with 3 million of my friends and neighbors.
Now, in times of vast disappointment, such as this, I like to practice active choice.
Choosing how to respond to this large boulder rolling back down the hill I've been pushing it up, before going to fetch it again and roll it up once more.
In this moment before beginning again, I ask myself "who do I want to be right now."
I'm not entirely sure, but let's start with who I don't want to be:
I don't want to be angry. Or petty. Or spiteful towards my neighbors and fellow citizens, even though I am.
I don't want to blame anyone else, nor return to my default of taking full blame on myself - in the ongoing saga that is my egotistical attempts to be a saint while living.
I do want to hold myself accountable, because I know I can do better.
I do want to expect more from others, because I know we can all do better.
I don't want to tell people how they should feel or for long they should feel the way they do.
A great deal of people lost far more than me in light of this result, and I will not disrupt their grieving.
We have a diagnosis, treatment can only begin when we are ready . . .
I don't want to give way to anger and I don't want to face this disappointment with denial.
This is happening and it has happened and tomorrow won't change that anymore than wishing yesterday was different will, but that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be all the better for us having survived today.
After all, anything can happen: that is truth of every tomorrow to come.
More than all this: I want to be wrong!
I want to be so mistaken in my suspicions about the man now raised to his position, put there by populism and in spite of his moral and ethical destitution.
That his homophobic, anti misogynistic, autistic insulting & care home closing, widow robbing, racist rhetoric was just a show and that the man behind the curtain will be revealed just in time to save all of us in OZ.
I would be delighted to eat my ego in as many bites as it takes, to be proven wrong.
I want to be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.
I want to wake up tomorrow with solutions to combat these new problems.

I want to keep a promise I made to a room full of friends and strangers the last time such an event with this level of shock and despair blind sided me:
"I may not see the day when love conquers hate, but you can be damn sure my nephew will.
Because he deserves it. He deserves to live in such a world."
And now that I'm a double uncle, I will double down on that pledge.
You wanted the job, sir, you got it.
Now, you will answer to me.