Monday 23 April 2018

Day 155

And as she lie there on the pavement, watching the light fade from her world, our victim of cruel circumstance dad the following thought:
Why did I bother buying groceries if I'm not going to get to eat them this is what I get for not biking not driving not learning to drive but who needs to drive in the city it's more trouble than it's I really wasn't over my ex but right now I actually am and I hope I get through this so I can move with my dating life and having some guilt free sex I hope these aren't my last thoughts I hope my last thoughts are poignant but then no one will know my last thoughts are poignant so I hope my last thoughts can be poignant and somehow heard by someone in the world so someone knows how poignant I was in the end if this is the end fuck is this the end quick what's the last thing I said to everyone in my life when did I last talk to Mom when did I last talk to Grandpa is Grandpa really going to outlive me I should've written a letter to each of them I should have written more letters in general if I get out of this I'm writing everyone a letter every week or month or at least once a year I can do once a year like on their birthday I guess that's what birthday cards already are letters with pictures OK if I survive this I'll buy everyone birthday cards and ACTUALLY mail them on time for their birthday OK deal deal deal who am I making a deal with why am I making a deal I can't make a deal this isn't a transaction it's my life which I guess says a lot if I'm trying to treat it like a deal my life reduced to a metaphor I'm making my life into a metaphor why am I trying to make life a metaphor why am I trying to make sense of this this happens everyday and today is my day and I've been heading towards this my entire life and I don't wan that life to be summed up into me dying on the pavement trying to come up with some cliche inner narrative to lead me into a credit scroll that will never come because this isn't a movie of the final episode of a binge worthy show cut too short because the network and the audience couldn't see the potential of such a good thing and now it's gone to soon and everyone will want it to come back but it won't because this is my LIFE!!!!!
...
...
... I really hope someone eats those groceries ...
I hope I make it
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Can I call my mom?

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