Day 240

And now, a list of should haves:

I should have learned another language. Sure I have no need for it right now, but it could have made me a more intriguing character.

I should have bought groceries today, I'm gonna be kicking myself come my many midnight snacks.

I should have lied more, just to see if I could get away with it.

I should have gotten into letter writing, it might have become a habit. And distance wouldn't have so easily beaten back intimacy.

I should have said sorry less through all my day to day interactions, then said it the few times I didn't. That way an apology would have meant more, and maybe she wouldn't hate me.

I should have said stop, when I said nothing, maybe that kid's life would have been better for it.

I should have taken out out the compost, the fruit flies will be gathering, I'm sure.

I should have gone to bed sooner and I should have made more time before bed for something productive.

I should have been a dancer, a singer, a comedian, a poet and a soldier.

I should have done a lot of things.

And there is nothing to say I won't yet do some of them.

A should isn't necessarily not a could ...

But for for all the shoulds I can't do, this I should have done:

Every time you told yourself, by telling me, that your eyes were shit brown; I should have told you they were the colour of dirt. That in your eyes I could see promise. 

That they only need a seed of a dream, and that my blue eyes could water them and we could both watch how our dreams grow. 

That every time you look in the mirror, you should try to see what I see, that then you might fall in love with the idea of each and every tomorrow.

I should have said this aloud in a moment of no significance, in light of day when neither of us were expecting it.

I should have told you what I see, instead of just looking at you.

And maybe if I'd said it enough, you might believe it.

Maybe if I'd said it, I'd have believed it too.

This should can never be a could, because It would do more harm now than any good.

And my saying it now, doesn't make me say it then.

But hopefully, the next time I'm inclined to not speak, I'll remember this.

I'll remember you.